Hi ppl, back to blog again.. haix, hafing a bad tummy again.. >.< wad's gg on with me..??? I nv use 2 b like this, even my family members r all saying why i become so weak after i slim down.. =( I DUNO!! I'm nt even slim n slender like those pretty girls everyone c outside, so im nt even considered slim.. @ least tt's wad i think.. was juz watching MTV channel as usual, n was checking up on nice dresses on yahoo auctions.. While watching sm videos, i thought to myself, why m i nt as cute n petite like other asian girls..? Den they look so cute/pretty in those pretty lil kawaii dresses.. I can NEVER b like em.. coz im so tall.. tall isn't e issue though, its e physique i reckon.. there're other tall girls like me.. but @ least they're small sized, tall n slender.. me..? im like tall, big sized n FAT! wtf~ I can't be cute like those small girls, n i can't b pretty like e tall girls.. im nt sure wad im doing on this earth sometimes.. really!!! Sometimes i juz look @ e pretty clothings/dresses n seeing ppl wear it looking so good in it.. i feel sour.. i think to myself, wouldn't it b so good if i were like em.. then i juz hide my feelings by juz saying, "OK! i shall continue to jian fei! i can definitely be like em 1 day!" of coz everyone will say tt yeah! u can definitely do it..! yes! but it ain't tt easy either.. esp. when my knees r already dying on me.. its like within a short period of 3-4 mths i lost a mere 10kg, n i oredi cause my legs 2 die on me so soon.. so wads my future? sitting on a wheelchair..? or needing to do operations..? i dun wanna end up like my grandaunt.. i see her crying so often complaining hw painful her legs r coz of her knee problem.. i feel worried 4 myself @ times.. but i wanna look good too!! so obviously most ppl who know how hard-headed i m, i'll definitely push myself 2 lose somemore.. but i can only say, i'll juz go 1 step @ a time.. anyone can tell me, val! it's ok! ur juz fine nw.. its ok! but i wanna look even better, every human beings knows hw greedy humans r in nature.. they'll nv settle for juz a "ok" comment rite..? i dun wanna go back to hw i used 2 look obviously, i even told my dad tt i WILL NEVER wanna look like tt again..

today my colleagues say 1 of e lady colleague (tt i duno) is like me.. so bubbly n rough n all, sayin i'll b like this nxt time.. she's quite big size 2.. in an instant, i juz shot back "NO! I'll nv b like tt" im so very sure, tt's y i juz shot back! i know for myself I'LL DEFINITELY NOT LOOK LIKE THAT!!! i can't say 1/2 of my life i've been an obese girl.. (It's OBESE mean u, not juz overweight!) but 21 of my life, 19 yrs i've been a BIG FAT girl.. of coz which ridiculous bitch would wanna look like her old-self..?? obviously nt rite..??

I may juz say, oh! ppl haf different comments different prefences, so some may say im pretty, some beg 2 differ.. It may juz b a mere comment, but who won't take it to heart rite..? more or less they will, definitely!! it's hurtful.. someone may juz jokingly say it, but i know for myself i'll definitely re-think back wad e person so-called jokingly said.. i may appear like a happy-go-lucky girl, but deep inside, my emotions r strong.. smtimes when i can't take it, i'll juz burst out.. n e topics comes ard again.. y m i nt like this..? y m i nt like tt..? it's a cycle..! I totally nt surprised if 1 day i become aneroxic like, seriously.. Ppl may say im fine now, but i know for myself, im still a lil on e fat side.. really! im very very sensitive n concious of myself 2 e public.. i get stares frm ppl.. in e past, i know its definitely coz im fat n ugly.. wad abt nw..? im still fat? im ugly? or on e contrary, im pretty? or wad..? i duno!! or wld ppl notice tt im a single-eye lid girl..? y? y can't ppl more sensitive 2 others..?

While on my way home, a guy stopped me to do sm surveying.. n he asked where i worked n all.. commented tt i was very tall! ok! juz tall, no prob.. tall is nt an issue 2 me.. n he said, its ok! coz he din lose to me.. coz he's taller den me.. lol.. ya! funny guy rite.. anyway, he asked where i worked n all.. n he asked a qn which i tot was rather odd.. "U mean ur company wanna employ such a tall girl like u?" WTF! wads tt supposed 2 mean..? i was a lil shocked n told him, "i duno! how e hell would i know???" n as usual, i juz laughed it off.. so wad was tt supposed 2 mean..? i duno..

But really.. sometimes i think to myself, when i really lose another few ideal pounds.. would i b so tall, slender n slim like those ppl tt i always c..? would i?? or i won't? coz my physique belongs 2 e BIG kind.. smtimes i envy girls who're small n petite, they may nt like it, but i really envy em.. things r much easier for em.. easier 2 find bf (is a definite!) easier 2 find clothings.. look cuter.. would b more approachable.. dun u ppl think tt too..? i really think so.. oso ppl who're tall but sleek n slender.. they're prettier.. finding clothes won't b an issue.. nt exactly more approachable but look friendlier (only for minority).. rite..? seriously i think so.. i juz envy ppl.. i suppose my whole life i only got e part 2 envy ppl.. *sighs*

u may leave comments on my tagboard but im nt gonna reply anything, coz this topic is pretty subjective.. i juz wanna rant this out n clear a lil space outta my burdened heart leaving it some room 2 breathe.. i know i'll definitely come back 2 this kinda topic again, but its ok! @ least im concious of wad im doing @ times.. n concious of wad im thinking.. even if i ain't, i can always cm back 2 c wad i actually wanted @ this moment in time..

Life is juz unfair @ times..